Social Anxiety Part 2

Executive Director of the Family Systems Institute, Lauren Errington, spoke at the July 2024 Spotlight Session on ‘Social Anxiety’. The two parts of this article summarise key aspects of her presentation.

In Social Anxiety Part 1, we saw that anxiety is a bodily response that we all experience from time to time, but that clinical social anxiety is significantly more pronounced and impairs day-to-day functioning. Lauren described the symptoms and treatments for social anxiety and the challenges that arise in church communities for those experiencing it.

This second article considers a Christian understanding of anxiety and how we can offer helpful and appropriate care.

You can learn more about Spotlight Sessions and events we have coming up, here.

Thickening our Christian understanding of anxiety

Biblical view of anxiety

What does it mean to thicken our description of social anxiety as Christians? It means moving beyond easy assumptions that might equate anxiety to sinfulness. It’s recognising that it is in the gospel that the thickest descriptions of being human, with all our fears and anxieties, are found.

Anxiety is not sinful in itself, but, as with so many things, sin can take a foothold within it. At the heart of a Christian understanding of anxiety then, is understanding the grace found within the gospel, and how Jesus meets us in our fear.

Have you ever noticed how, through the Bible, fear characterises the human condition? In the Garden of Eden, after Adam eats the fruit, he hides from God because ‘I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked’.

But of course, God doesn’t leave us there but answers us, again and again:

‘Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.’

Deuteronomy 31:6

‘Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.’

Psalm 23:4

‘For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”’

Isaiah 41:13

‘Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.’

John 14:27

‘So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?”’

Hebrews 13:6

And in Jesus, we gain this ultimate answer:

‘Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil— and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death.’

Hebrews 2:14-15

Our deepest, existential fear has been undone by the cross. In our fear, Jesus brings us comfort. As we wait for the full redemption of this creation and our bodies with it, we can take heart that our fear is met with the grace and peace offered to us in Jesus, and that he will never leave us or forsake us.

In this context, sometimes we can misread Philippians 4:6:

‘Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.’

Philippians 4:6-7

Rather than a thin description of the Bible scolding you for your anxiety, a thicker description would be to see it as an invitation: by the grace of Jesus, by the one who sees us and knows us and loves us, we no longer need to fear, for the Lord is with us, and that truly is the peace that he gives us, and guards us with.

What help is helpful?

What is helpful in caring for someone with social anxiety? What can churches do to increase their thoughtfulness and thicken their descriptions?

The first tip is being aware of when you are helping out of your own anxiety. Are your efforts to care for someone about calming yourself down and feeling helpful, or is it actually about caring for them and what they need?

If your efforts to fix things for others, or give advice, are about your own anxiety that can lead to an unhelpful pattern in the relationship.

The more that a ‘helper’ can work on staying calm and thoughtful, this will help you to be the best sort of resource you can be for someone.

The second tip is to remember that there is no one way to help. The thicker our description of social anxiety is, the more we will realise there is no silver bullet. There is no perfect conversation you can have. There is no magic number of times you talk to someone. There is no magical question to ask.

Instead, genuine help is about being able to get alongside people and listen to them, asking what they need and not assuming.

This is especially important in our current climate where there is a real focus on things like being trained in Mental Health First Aid. While these offerings are well intended, and do help create awareness of mental health symptoms, the idea that there are experts weighing in to say what’s right or wrong can sometimes have a paralysing effect, where the ordinary helper feels ill equipped to do anything, for fear of getting it ‘wrong’.

Any efforts towards genuine contact and love towards someone struggling with social anxiety, or mental health, is better than nothing. A little bit of common-sense care goes a long, long way.

The truth is that loving others is messy. It is not straightforward, and it rarely has clear-cut answers. Lauren admitted that in her own conversations with a friend with social anxiety, they have both ended up in tears, where there have been wrong things said on both sides, and there have been feelings of helplessness and confusion. But genuine friendship and connection can also look past those moments for what they are and try again.

This is part of why churches are already well-positioned to care for people with social anxiety and other mental health challenges. Church is a regular opportunity for relationship and check-in, for seeing symptoms and following up on concerns, and recommending referrals if and when needed. And church relationships offer the opportunity to stay connected with others, even when things are tough.

So, what might helping look like in church life?

Listen, listen, listen. When you are listening, resist the urge to fix or to give advice. Telling someone to ‘change their thinking’ or ‘just trust God’ or to ‘calm down’ is not helpful. In fact, it can do the opposite, and compound someone’s anxiety if they think they should be able to switch it off or they are doing the wrong thing.

Create space and time to listen. Often directly after church is not the best time to listen because of everything else that is happening after a service. So, it might be more helpful to meet for a coffee or call them some other time in the week. If they’re in a small group, that may be a better time to check in with them.

Not every encounter needs to be deep and meaningful. For example, if you have a deep conversation one week, maybe all you need to do is say a quick ‘I’ve been praying for you this week,’ or ‘I hope your week has been okay.’ A small check-in is better than you being anxious that every conversation needs to be intense.

Pray with them. Pray for them, but also pray with them, in line with all of the above—not that they would be ‘fixed’, but to ask for the Lord’s help and wisdom, and to give their real fears and anxieties over to God.

Recognise the toll that social anxiety can take. Social anxiety is exhausting, both emotionally and physically. Those struggling might have to put ten times as much energy into something that is easy for others. Even the act of ‘masking’, and making it seem like everything is okay takes energy. As such, extend grace if they need to leave early, turn up late, not turn up at all, or opt out.

Be flexible when they need support. The things that someone with social anxiety can or can’t do might change over time. Small groups or smaller prayer triplets might or might not be helpful, and it might shift in different seasons. Try and check with them about what they need, rather than assuming.

At the same time, treat the person as capable. This comes with seeing the person as someone made in God’s image, who is more than their anxiety or mental health struggles. In family systems theory, they use the language of relating to ‘the most mature version of someone’, instead of treating them as immature, or irresponsible. Ask how they’re going, and what ideas they might have about what’s going on for them, or what would help. If they are getting external help, rather than thinking of your job as done, continue to be alongside them: after all, your friendship is likely to endure longer than the counselling session.

Integrate their experience into church life. Part of thickening our description is being able to talk about mental health not as a side topic, but in the midst of life together. This might include preaching that holds up the complexity of mental health challenges, and opportunities for people with anxiety to give honest testimony about Jesus’ work in their lives, whatever that looks like.

 Specialise in human kindness. To finish, a quote from someone interviewed in John Swinton’s book, Finding Jesus in the Storm: “Mental health ministry means finding a way to exhibit some ordinary human kindness. You don’t have to be a special individual to do that; you’re just a human being… The church is meant to specialise in human kindness isn’t it?” (p. 215)