This article is part 2 of a 3-part series in which Amy Yeung, from the Institute, is sharing simple but powerful ways to build trust and start meaningful conversations with young women about mental health and faith. If you missed part 1, you can read it here.
Active listening is one of the best gifts we can give to one another. It doesn’t mean we agree with everything someone is saying, but we try to understand their point of view and what they’re trying to communicate. If you do have some advice to offer, I suggest you first ask the person if they would like to hear your thoughts. This places the decision in their hands and communicates that your focus is on them.
Why? Active listening communicates to young people that we care about them and want to know what they think. It also reinforces the idea that we don’t need them to be ‘better’ or ‘fixed’ in order for us to want to spend time with them.
This could look like: Empathising with what they’re going through, e.g., ‘That sounds stressful. That sounds really frustrating.’ Or clarifying, ‘Do you want some help thinking about what to do about this or do you just need me to listen?’ Or, if you feel like you’re not very good at stopping yourself from giving advice, ask them to help you. For example, ‘I’m trying to work on listening more than giving advice, so if I launch into advice giving, I give you permission to stop me and say, ‘I just need you to listen.’’
The listening process is also aided by resisting the urge to answer questions straight away. When someone asks us a question, it’s natural to respond with an answer. But I’ve found I often miss the mark because I don’t understand enough about why they’re asking this question.
Why? Asking questions before we respond can give us more context about what’s behind the question, allow us to hear what they’ve already thought about and done, and it helps turn it into a conversation rather than a Q&A.
This could look like: This could be as simple as first asking, ‘What do you think?’
Or here’s a longer example of a time I turned a question into a conversation: In our discussion group at youth we were talking about forgiveness. One student asked, ‘Well, what do I do if I forgive someone, but they keep doing the thing I’ve forgiven them for?’ My co-leader started rattling off an answer and I saw this young girl disengage a little. So, I asked, ‘What does your gut tell you?’ I wanted to help her get in touch with her own thoughts and feelings, and I was hoping not to just get a good Christian answer. And to her credit, she answered very honestly! Which kickstarted a great conversation about forgiveness that felt relevant to her life because it included discussion around anger and justice.
Another way to listen more than talk is to think of yourself as a mirror that is reflecting back to a young person the words, body language, and emotions you are noticing— without judgment or drawing conclusions.
Why? Reflecting can help young people become more self-aware and more empathetic – towards themselves and others. It helps them slow down and contemplate their thoughts and feelings rather than rushing through them.
This could look like: Saying something like, ‘Hey, I’ve noticed that you snap at your brothers more right after school. Are you aware of that? What could we do to help you relax after school?’ Or sometimes it’s just stating the observation without a question, ‘I just noticed that as you told me about your friends, you were saying you think they’re awesome, but you said it was pretty flat tone of voice. That doesn’t seem to line up.’ You might be surprised how stating what we’ve noticed draws out a response, even when there’s no question asked.
We have all had one-word responses to our questions to young people: ‘Yeah.’ ‘Good.’ ‘Fine.’ To help them express how they’re doing and get a bit more of an understanding of how they are, we can offer some words to assist them. And sometimes, you don’t have to rely on words at all! There are many ways that we can process emotions or thoughts without needing to say them out loud.
Why? Young people often don’t yet have the words to describe their experience. But by offering suggestions, we can broaden their vocabulary and make it easier for them to talk about things that feel really vulnerable. It also teaches them that we don’t always know what someone is thinking and feeling just by looking at them! It helps to clarify and ask questions. Also, activities that don’t rely on words can help reduce the feeling of intensity because the focus can be on the activity rather than needing to make eye contact and you might be side-by-side rather than face on.
This could look like: Saying something like, ‘Would you say that you’re feeling angry, frustrated, annoyed, or something else?’ If they’re trying to express some of the thoughts running through their head, you might say, ‘Are the thoughts about things you should do or is it things about you, or about how other people see you, or something else?’ Or you could also try, ‘If you’d like to talk, but you don’t know what to say, that’s okay. Tell me that and maybe I can help you find the words.’
You might also explore ways for young people to express themselves without relying on their own words. For example, you could pull up an emotion wheel on your phone and looking at it together say, ‘What’s one emotion word that you felt today? What do you think might’ve contributed to that?’ You could also suggest they draw how they feel or make a collage with images from a magazine or the internet. Music is also a great way to process emotions or help us shift our emotional state. So, you might ask them to pick and play a song or playlist that taps into how they’re feeling.
This post is part of a three-part series on supporting young women. You can find the first one here and the third is coming soon!
If you found these tips helpful, please share this article with others you know who are caring for young women. You may also be interested in our Fact Sheet on Young Women and Mental Health or prayer for young women. Both are free to download here.
When Ally first joined a support group for Christian women whose husbands live with bipolar disorder, she felt as though she were the only one facing this kind of journey. This is her story.
The final instalment of a three-part series will equip you with practical tips to come alongside and support the young women and teenagers in your life.
The second instalment of a three-part series will equip you with practical tips to come alongside and support the young women in your life.
This three-part series will equip you with practical tips to come alongside and support the young women in your life.
