Dear Singles: You Are More Than Your Relationship Status

How many people do you know who are deliberately single? I have some amazing friends who have chosen singleness for various reasons. I love them and look up to them as an example of faithfulness. But if I’m being honest, I often feel like my version of singleness is more of the “I’d rather not” kind – ‘unintentionally single’, ‘single and looking’, whatever you want to call it. This year, I went on about ten first dates, spent countless hours swiping on dating apps, and even sheepishly asked my friends at every wedding I attended, “Do you reckon there are any single guys here?’ (There were usually about four, if you were curious). And because it’s not deliberate, some days it’s hard not to feel embarrassed. I start wondering, ‘Am I single because I’m not as good as everyone else who has found a partner? Maybe I’m defective in some way. Maybe I have some obvious turn-off that none of my friends are telling me about!’  

It’s a pretty slippery slope when these thoughts start trickling into my brain, especially on days like Valentine’s Day. And yet, there’s also the more rational part of me that knows singleness isn’t proof that there’s something wrong with me and it can also be a display of faithfulness and trust in God. So today, I want to write to anyone who is experiencing similar feelings. I want to be the rational, ‘healthy adult’ voice, just in case you aren’t able to access that today. I want to hit you with some hard, but helpful, truth.  

First off, being single doesn’t mean that you must somehow be worse than everyone else around you. How do I know? Because I think if you took stock of all married people, and all single people, you would find that there isn’t any particular type of person that ends up married or single. It’s not like all of the kind, generous, thoughtful and attractive people are married, and all the greedy, boring, ugly people are single. As nice as it would be if you could finally crack the code on why some people find partners while others don’t, it’s just not that simple. We are all complex and diverse. So, I hate to break it to you (but actually I love to break it to you), your logic is flawed if you think singles are deficient in some way. The evidence simply doesn’t support your hypothesis. 

My second hard truth for you is that you are loveable. You might be feeling like you’re not, especially if, like me, you’ve experienced rejection or you’ve been ghosted¹ more than once. But you are loveable! Seriously. Ask your friends. Sometimes, I mistake my desire to feel ‘chosen’ by someone as a desire for a partner. In reality, I have been ‘chosen’, by my friends! I was also challenged by a friend recently to remember that you can be chosen or wanted by someone romantically, and it still won’t work out. And that’s okay. Furthermore, if you’re anything like me, you are prone to ‘negative filtering’, and you tend to discount the positive experiences you’ve had. I tend to intentionally ‘forget’ all the times I have been the one to reject someone or say no to a second date, but it can be helpful to remind myself of this when I’ve climbed on board the self-pity train.  

My third hard truth is that Jesus says you are inherently lovable. It’s important to follow up on my previous point with this reminder because if you look for external validation, there will be times when you can’t find it right away. A more unshakeable truth is this: you were made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). He designed you (Psalm 139), which means you are inherently loveable. If you need more evidence, look to Jesus, who went to the cross because he loves you: