Pastoral care takes place in many different contexts and capacities. You might offer care to those in your family, your friendship network and your church community. You might be young, old, serving in a professional capacity on a church staff team, leading a small group, running a ministry for your church, or be part of a ‘pastoral care’ team at your church. A toolbox of resources can equip you in these various contexts and roles.
Why have I chosen the idea of a toolbox? A handyman’s toolbox contains a variety of tools. Some are used often – a screwdriver, a hammer, a tape measure, a leveller. Others are less used, but they’ve been added to the box for ‘just that moment when a ….is needed’. I’m not a handyman, but I am a quilter/sewer. And I have my own toolbox which similarly contains tools that I use almost every time I sit down to sew – a needle and thread, and sharp scissors. Then there are other tools that I use less often, but I have them sitting there ready for when I do need them. I’ve added different tools over time as my skills and interest in creating quilts has grown.
Here are some of my most used pastoral tools, as well as some pointers to other resources that you might find helpful to draw upon from time-to-time.
In terms of pastoral care skills, this is perhaps the most helpful tool in your toolbox. Too often our engagement with others is marked by busyness, distraction and self-interest. It’s a remarkable gift, therefore, when someone allows us to open our heart and gives us their full attention.
I remember a time when I needed help. A small group of my work colleagues gathered around me. I was a little teary, but as I unburdened my heavy heart they sat and listened. They asked a few questions, but otherwise let me speak without interruption. For about 20 minutes I was granted their undivided attention. I walked away feeling lighter. I felt like I’d been truly seen and heard. My troubles had not changed, but I had changed. The care and kindness of open and compassionate ears had somehow lifted the load.
Listening is an act of love because it focuses on the other. James commands us to be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). Or as the wise counsel of the book of Proverbs says, “To answer before listening, that is folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13). Listening can be a first step to help someone move forward.
Writer David Brooks (How to Know a Person) thinks that good listening burns lots of kilojoules (calories). You’ve probably heard of active listening – well, it really is. It’s hard work. Distractions (whether phones or the internal chatter in our heads) need to be set aside and we focus completely on the other person. Let them tell you how it is. Don’t start talking about yourself.
Brooks talks about the importance of what he calls ‘looping’ – repeating back in slightly different words what the other has said to let them know that you’ve really caught on to what they’re saying.
As you listen, be a safe person for them. It’s okay to say, ‘Tell me more,’ but don’t push them to share more than they want. Let them go at their own pace. It takes courage and trust to open up. Such trust is earned through gentleness, kindness, and respect, and can build over time.
If you want to learn more about how to listen well, you might find these helpful:
Nothing is more treasured in my toolbox than the word of God. Why? Because it is in the Scriptures that we are drawn to the truth and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ, ‘in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge (Col 2:3). In God’s word we find the means to true life and the guidance and direction we need to navigate the circumstances that come our way. In the midst of difficulty, God’s word is a wonderful means of cultivating hope. Remind them that God is all loving, all caring, all seeing and that he can hear their silent groans in that tunnel. Remind them that he is with them and is their helper.
In pastoral conversations, ask if you can read a couple of verses from the Bible. Share something that has recently encouraged you, or a few verses from Psalms, and then ask if you can pray. Focus on who God is; on how much he loves them and what he has graciously done for them. They need God’s word of comfort and consolation.
For more ideas see:
There will be times when offering care becomes more practical. Rather than assume you know what they need, ask them what would be most helpful: ‘How can we best care and support you at this time?’ The need might be providing meals, help with child minding, transport to medical appointments, or something else. Don’t take on the full load yourself; this is an opportunity to include and involve others from your church community.
The Apostle Paul uses a beautiful image to capture the nature of his pastoral role: ‘…just as a nursing mother cares for her children, so we cared for you. Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well.’ (1 Thess 2:7-8)
Caring for babies and small children is practical and nurturing.
If you want to learn more about kindness:
A helpful question during any pastoral conversation is, ‘What has helped you in the past?’
Many who experience difficulties or emotional distress have faced trials or been in dark places before. Most likely, they are resourceful and resilient and have continued to persevere through significant hardship. Be curious about their inner strengths, activities, resources and supports they drew upon. Encouraging them to connect with the people who have supported them in the past is especially beneficial.
Drawing their attention to their proven ability to move forward empowers them and can foster hope.
Find out what social networks they are part of. Are they in a small group? Do they go to church regularly? Do they have friends or family nearby? Are they part of a sporting/creative/or other interest group? Do they volunteer to serve in the church or community?
Encourage them to keep meeting with others. If they are isolated, try to find a small group they feel comfortable joining. Offering to pick them up and taking them or meeting them before church can be a ‘circuit breaker’.
Identifying the level of their social connection will assist you in working out how best to offer care and support moving forward.
If you want to learn more about connecting:
If someone shares something significant with you, offer to meet up again over coffee or a walk. Sending a text message to let them know you’ve been praying for them also communicates love and care.
There are many helpful resources to help you navigate the complex situations that people face. These circumstances include mental health challenges, relationship issues, trauma, domestic violence, grief, suffering, questions around gender, ungodly patterns of behaviour, etc. Resources related to these are the tools you collect over time and may not use often. They will, however, be invaluable when needed.
Rather than feeling overwhelmed by a new pastoral scenario you are facing, make it an opportunity to find out more. Seek out helpful resources such as articles, factsheets, prayers, and books that you can add to your toolbox. Just think what might be collected over a lifetime of ministry. I am still adding to my toolbox and learning from the wisdom and expertise of others.
Here are some of these more specialised tools you can make us of:
MHI Spotlight Sessions – these cover a range of useful topics such as depression, OCD, menopause, mental load.
“I don’t know how to relate. What will I say? I don’t understand them!” Have you thought this about a different generation? This article from Amy Yeung suggests a framework that could help us care well, no matter what generation someone is from.
Pastoral care takes place in many different contexts and capacities. You might offer care to those in your family, your friendship network and your church community. A toolbox of resources can equip you in these various contexts and roles.
Caring is not so much about fixing a need or solving a problem – it’s about showing up and being there as a willing servant of Christ. It lets another know they are seen and valued.
How do you usually respond to someone who is wrestling with spiritual concerns? We’re likely to listen, pray, offer care, counsel, and comfort from God’s word. But (very) occasionally, this is entirely the wrong approach. That’s because the need for ongoing reassurance may indicate an underlying mental health condition known as scrupulosity – a sub-type of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
“I don’t know how to relate. What will I say? I don’t understand them!” Have you thought this about a different generation? This article from Amy Yeung suggests a framework that could help us care well, no matter what generation someone is from.
Pastoral care takes place in many different contexts and capacities. You might offer care to those in your family, your friendship network and your church community. A toolbox of resources can equip you in these various contexts and roles.
Caring is not so much about fixing a need or solving a problem – it’s about showing up and being there as a willing servant of Christ. It lets another know they are seen and valued.
