Healthy Pastoral Care Part 2: The Carer

What is it you bring to another in a pastoral care role? You may offer encouragement, counsel, practical assistance, or such like. But you also bring yourself, and your presence is not to be underestimated.  

Simply turning up and giving your time communicates care.  It lets another know they are seen and valued. Your willingness to allow them to give voice to their concerns, and then to listen, and perhaps share God’s word and pray, is a gift of love.  Caring is not so much about fixing this need or solving that problem – it’s about showing up and being there as a willing servant of Christ. 

Have clarity around your role 

Be clear about what you can and can’t do for others.  As noted above, even when you are asked for help or advice, you often will not be able to fix a situation or solve an issue.  It’s helpful to communicate this by saying something like, ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t sort that out for you.  But I’m willing to walk alongside you through this as we seek the Lord’s help.’  You don’t have to have all the answers! 

This intentionality is important as we seek to serve others in pastoral care roles. If you are having to deal with need, particularly complex need, it’s worth reflecting on these questions: What are you trying to offer people? What’s your responsibility in the situation? How does it fit with the other responsibilities God has entrusted to you?  We know Christian love involves care of the whole person. The second great commandment, to love our neighbour as ourselves (Mat 22:39), acknowledges that spiritual, physical, relational and other needs are all significant. But if other key responsibilities in our lives are being neglected, we need to think carefully about where people with complex needs might fit in.  

Love is not doing whatever someone wants or even needs. Rather, love seeks what is best for another. So, sometimes a loving response will involve saying ‘No’ or encouraging the person to take action themselves rather than you doing it for them. I sometimes find it helpful to ask myself the question, “What ‘one another’” directive might be helpful in this context?¹  Being kind?  Praying?  Bearing a burden? ² 

You can pray that you grow in your ‘one another’ skills.  For example, ‘how can I be kind to….?’ 

Seek external counsel and direction – don’t be a lone ranger 

Many people fall into the trap of thinking they need to care for someone on their own. You might not have a team around you, but do you believe in the body of Christ as a meaningful theological concept? Among the people you’re ministering and serving with, who else can you involve? How do you share the load? 

With those who might tend towards being manipulative in relationships, where clear boundaries are important, it’s very helpful to have two or more people involved. A number of people who set and keep the same limits is a loving, helpful strategy to assist that person in growing and developing their relational skills. 

If you need help, ask for help.  Here are two such scenarios: 

• I’m out of my comfort zone: If you think, ‘I have absolutely no idea how to respond to this scenario’, ask for help. Proverbs 12:15 says, ‘The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.’ Do you have friends and colleagues who you consult and chat with? Do you have a professional supervisor who can run through things with you?  Asking for help is not an expression of inadequacy or weakness; it is wise, savvy stewardship of your resources. 
• I feel overwhelmed by this situation, and it’s raised issues for me: Turn to someone you trust: a professional supervisor or trusted mentor. Sometimes it’s helpful to seek ongoing support from a mental health professional. Asking for help may provide the resources that enable you to continue to offer care and support to others.  

•  

Establish appropriate boundaries 

There are some people for whom, no matter how long you listen to them and no matter what level of care you provide, it’s never enough. We need to be people of grace and compassion, but we have a range of responsibilities, so setting some limits is necessary. 

This is particularly important when dealing with those who have manipulative relational strategies. Appropriate boundaries mean things like being clear about the amount of time you’re prepared to spend with somebody and providing feedback on behaviour that is inappropriate. For example, communicate that you will not tolerate being yelled at, and you will leave the conversation if this happens. Boundaries around texting are also important, especially with younger generations. You might communicate that you don’t look at messages after 9 pm at night. If they begin to bombard you with texts, you can set up clear guidelines – e.g.: you will only respond to one text a day – or whatever guideline you opt to set up. 

Strategies such as these model healthy relationships, and some people need feedback like this to hopefully learn new ways of interacting with others in order not to keep sabotaging their relationships. This is an example of how appropriate boundaries are loving. 

So, if you’re meeting up with people, do you provide clarity about what’s involved? How long is reasonable to spend with this person? How do you end a meeting in a clear way? You might say something like, ‘Thanks for sharing with me. It’s clear this is really hard for you. I’ve got another commitment now. Can I pray for you?’ 

Navigating this relational terrain requires wisdom, and I love the fact that Scripture encourages us to call upon the Lord and ask him for the insight we need (James 1:5).

Reflect on the personal impact of caring for others 

Thoughtful engagement in the lives of others can be draining. Here are some tools to assist: 

1. Be aware of your bodily responses 

When we empathise with others, we see what’s happening for them and feel something of it ourselves. This often bears a cost. 

How do you feel after interacting with difficult situations and needs? What do you feel in your body? What do you take home with you? What do those at home experience from you? Sometimes, we can normalise what’s going on around us without realising the impact upon ourselves and others. 

There are some common indicators that our bodies are experiencing undue stress. Take note if: 

• it’s hard to get to or stay asleep; 
• you’re more anxious; perhaps more irritable or teary; 
• you’re hypersensitive to comments from others; 
• it’s hard to concentrate and be productive; 
• you’re experiencing things like muscle tension, headaches or digestive problems.

Learn to recognise your body’s ‘warning signs’ that indicate you’re being pushed beyond your limits and are feeling depleted. 

2. Develop good self-care practices for filling your tank 

What restores and sustains you so that you can be present for people in difficult circumstances without being run into the ground? Are you tuned in to your physical, emotional and spiritual needs? 

Exercise, sleep and good nutrition are profoundly important for our wellbeing.  So too are warm, nurturing relationships – they keep us healthier and happier. 

Many people find it helpful at the end of the day to get into water: a swim or a shower. It’s as if they’re washing off the troubles of the day.  

Digital hygiene is also important. It’s not a good sign when the phone is the first thing you look at in the morning and the last thing you look at before you go to sleep. 

Do you have trouble getting to sleep at night?  Are you being kept awake by mentally processing your ‘to do’ list for the next day?   It might help to keep paper and pen beside your bed. Write down the things in your mind that you don’t want to forget. This puts them in a safe place so you can more easily sleep and awaken refreshed and ready to face your list. 

Here are a few key questions that might further assist you in reflecting on how to sustain yourself in serving others: Do you have an on-off switch for your work? Are you able to turn off? Are you aware of what drains you? Are you aware of what refreshes you? 

3. Nurture your own spiritual wellbeing 

A Christian woman active in ministry said, ‘The more time we spend with God in prayer and meditation on his living word, the more God shapes our hearts to see others as he sees them – with compassion – which should lead us to serve others selflessly.’ 

How do you nourish your spiritual soul?  The Scriptures acknowledge the significance of this task: 

‘It is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace’ Heb 13:9  

‘May your soul abide in well-being,’ Psalm 25:13  

Here are some suggestions: 

• Read a psalm every day 
• Get a blank diary and each day write down a bible verse that you’ve noticed 
• Keep a blank book beside your bed. At the end of each day before going to sleep, write down three things you are thankful to the Lord for 
• Treasure this truth:

‘But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved.’ Eph 2:4-5 

Place those you care for into God’s loving arms 

At the end of each day, think about the people you’ve spent time with, listened to, or offered more practical care.  You may not be able to put their concerns out of your mind, but you don’t need to take the full weight of their burdens home with you.  Pray for each person and hand them over to the Lord (perhaps using the words of Psalm 91 or another psalm). Remember: our Lord’s arms are big, everlasting, and loving.  He will hold them. And remind yourself that there is only one saviour in this world and it’s not me, and it’s not you.