Co-Director, Mental Health and Pastoral Care Institute
This post touches upon some distressing topics, including suicide. Please take care.
"We surveyed 800 young men, and we learned that they feel the dominant social expectation is to tough it out through experiences of mental ill-health."
The host shared this finding at the start of a webinar I watched recently.¹ I wasn’t surprised, and you probably aren’t either. In our cultural climate, masculinity is often associated with stoicism, self-reliance, and a reluctance to seek assistance, even in desperate moments. Perhaps suicide statistics bear witness to the tragic consequences that may follow for those who feel constrained by this expectation. In Australia, three times as many men take their life as women—on average, about 7 men each day. I was stunned when a man in his forties once shared with me that he had known 17 men who had died by suicide. Whatever the contributing factors may be, a suicide is always horrendous.
Although the social expectation might be for men to move through life with a sense of inner strength, the reality is that many do not fit this stereotype. A dominant theme to emerge from the webinar was the complexity and nuance surrounding the attitudes and behaviour of young men around masculinity and mental health concerns. When we homogenise this group—box them in and say they’re all the same—we don’t serve them well.
One of the expert panellists on the webinar said that many young men have the desire and the ability to share vulnerable feelings. Sometimes the vulnerability doesn’t look or feel the way we think it should, so it’s misinterpreted or misunderstood. An attempt to reach out for help, therefore, is shut down. And when help is offered, it might be the wrong sort. The panellist shared some research around young men being treated for depression. Some of these men found that what was offered was too focused on emotional communication and that the strengths they did have were discounted. These men wanted something that more appropriately met their needs; that was more action-oriented and goal focused.
As insights were shared by the various panellists, and suggestions offered as to what might assist the mental health of young men, I thought about the role that Christian faith and community might play. I believe we have rich resources, which when appropriately deployed, can offer real benefit in a confused and problematic landscape.
As noted in the webinar, much of the discussion around masculinity is deficit oriented. Masculinity implies … risk-taking, stoicism, poor health, suicidality, etc. But this need not be so. Healthy masculinity, said one panellist, requires attention to many dimensions of our functioning: emotional health, physical health, mental health, and social & relational health. It’s this holistic approach that is lacking in the more toxic and harmful expressions of masculinity. Some men are attracted to the physicality and sexual prowess advocated within the misogynistic manosphere, but where is the concern for emotional and relational wellbeing? A richer masculinity reaches for more, a ‘more’ that permeates the Christian worldview.
The holism that I heard advocated marks the biblical portrayal of our humanity, where every facet of our functioning is considered significant. No one thrives if we neglect our bodies or our minds, or if the emotional and social elements of our lives are sidelined. But neither can we truly flourish without attention to the spiritual dimension of our existence.
We are created and dependent beings. The physical, emotional and social resources required for our wellbeing flow from the generous hands of the one true living God. As the apostle Paul said, ‘In him we live and move and have our being’ (Acts 17:28). And it is this God who has so graciously addressed our most pressing need. In Jesus Christ we find forgiveness and repair for our wilful or passive rebuff of his loving oversight of our lives.
The Christian community offers this hopeful message. It speaks to our existential need for meaning and purpose. It provides a ground for self-understanding, identity and worth that’s not bound up with our abilities or looks or performance. There’s realism about both our flaws and our strengths. Psychologist, Professor Paul Gilbert, says that the best relationships are the ones where people love us even when they know our dark sides. That’s Jesus, the one who lovingly offers to befriend all who turn to him. For the moment, he doesn’t promise that all the challenges associated with mental health and other matters will be resolved, but we have the assurance that he is with us and for us as we navigate complex and difficult circumstances. The Christian message, therefore, provides life enhancing truths. They speak to all, but note their relevance for boys and men, both young and old.
The Christian community is called, not only to proclaim these truths, but to embody them in practice. During the webinar, one panellist suggested that teenage boys experience the most confusion about what it means to be a man and where they fit in society. They’re told they need to be strong and stoic. But they’re also expected to open-up and be vulnerable. He said they needed safe spaces where they can unpack their beliefs and their uncertainty. The church can be that space. It can provide connections across generations with opportunities for support and role modelling.
While we can be confident that the Christian message has real answers, these young men require more than simply pressing truth upon them. They need men a little (or a lot!) further on in years to be willing to engage with the ideas they’re exposed to and wonder about; who allow them to bare their soul when they’re not doing okay; who won’t make them feel that they’ll be cancelled if they don’t say the ‘right’ thing. What good might flow when others are prepared to walk alongside them as they muddle their way through a complicated and perplexing season of life.
And let’s not forget that the truest and fullest embodiment of humanity, our Lord Jesus Christ, points to a manhood worthy of emulation. He uses strength and power in the service of others. His earthly life was marked by humility, gentleness and tender care. In the words of the Colin Buchanan/CityAlight song, we look to ‘Jesus, strong and kind’.
MensLine Australia (1300 78 99 78) is a free telephone and online counselling service for Australian men anywhere, anytime.
Mental Health Line (1800 011 511) is a NSW Government phone service operating 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Staffed by mental health clinicians, it provides a telephone triage assessment and referral service.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, please call one of the following national helplines:
Lifeline 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
If you believe there is immediate danger, call 000 or go to a hospital Emergency Department.
How do you usually respond to someone who is wrestling with spiritual concerns? We’re likely to listen, pray, offer care, counsel, and comfort from God’s word. But (very) occasionally, this is entirely the wrong approach. That’s because the need for ongoing reassurance may indicate an underlying mental health condition known as scrupulosity – a sub-type of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
“I don’t know how to relate. What will I say? I don’t understand them!” Have you thought this about a different generation? This article from Amy Yeung suggests a framework that could help us care well, no matter what generation someone is from.
Pastoral care takes place in many different contexts and capacities. You might offer care to those in your family, your friendship network and your church community. A toolbox of resources can equip you in these various contexts and roles.
Caring is not so much about fixing a need or solving a problem – it’s about showing up and being there as a willing servant of Christ. It lets another know they are seen and valued.
