Keeping Our Marriages Healthy: Part 2
Sarah and Rev. Dr. Keith Condie give us nine tips for nourishing a healthy marriage.
Co-Directors of the Mental Health and Pastoral Care Institute
‘Good relationships keep us healthier and happier.’1
That’s the finding from the longest study of human behaviour and health ever undertaken, The Harvard Study of Adult Development. It began in 1938 and continues to this day. More than 80 years of research can be summed up in that one key principle.
Notice that word, ‘good’. It’s significant. Another researcher, neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett, captures its importance when she says, ‘The best thing for your nervous system is another human. The worst thing for your nervous system is another human.”2
The bottom line? The quality of our relationships has a profound impact upon our wellbeing and our ability to navigate the complexities of our lives under God.
This opens an important window into how we think about our marriages. We know that faithful commitment lies at the heart of biblical marriage. But simply honouring that promise doesn’t inevitably mean that the relationship will be enriching and do us good. Nor does it necessarily facilitate the outward-looking purpose of marriage: mutually supporting one another to strengthen our ability to serve God (see Genesis 2:15, 18).
So, how do we assess the health of a marriage? Is it possible to determine if your marriage is doing your nervous system good or not?
Authors Waldinger and Shultz provide some insights from The Harvard Study of Adult Development.3 Healthy, nurturing relationships will elicit feelings of warmth and comfort throughout your body. There will be a sense of deep connection between you, seen in sharing a moment of laughter or tears, or the feeling of love when your eyes connect across a crowded room and you exchange a smile. You will feel noticed and appreciated rather than taken for granted. Positive interactions such as these tell our bodies we are safe; they calm our arousal levels and increase our sense of wellbeing.
The opposite could be said for relationships that are not healthy. You will feel disconnected. You will wonder whether your spouse is really on your side, as their radar seems to be constantly scanning for what you are doing wrong, and they are repeatedly critical. Perhaps it will feel like you are walking on eggshells as you are never quite sure what reaction awaits. Such negativity elicits a stress response in our body. We react as if there is danger present and we need protecting. Sadly, many couples can normalise these feelings of stress and be unaware of the impact it is having on their physical and emotional health, and for that matter, the wellbeing of their children.
Yes, the quality of our marriage matters. And the sense of wellbeing and safety that is highlighted by the psychological research is also illustrated in Scripture. We get a beautiful glimpse of God’s design for a healthy marriage in Genesis 2:25:
‘Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.’ (Genesis 2:25)
A deep intimacy exists between the man and woman who are naked and unashamed. It’s a picture of being able to share one’s heart—of feeling safe to be open about deep vulnerabilities. It’s about being loved and held and supported.
To have a marriage like this takes time and effort. It means slowing down and putting other things aside to invest in each other. Our culture is big on efficiency, but relationships don’t work by efficiency. As the saying goes, we are human beings, not human doings.
So, if we want our marriage to be as God intended, we will need to devote ourselves to the things that keep us well connected and be willing to work at changing patterns that may be pulling us apart. To put a romantic spin on it (not!), marriages are a bit like cars—they need care, attention and time. They need regular maintenance and tune-ups.
Let’s get practical: what does this look like? We’ll share some more ideas in our next article, but for now, let’s focus on the importance of some small habits.
John Gottman has been researching marriages for nearly half a century. As a mathematician, he was keen to find out why some marriages last the distance while others don’t. He has found that the small things couples do to connect and communicate their love for each other are very significant. In particular, he noticed that couples with well-functioning marriages had built some key habits into their lives. He called the habits he identified the ‘Magic Six Hours’, a relatively small investment of time each week that yielded a substantial return.4 We’ve added a habit of our own (the first one) that makes a real difference in our marriage.
These sorts of simple activities help maintain a healthy relationship.
Just like cars, marriages also benefit from regular tune-ups. Why not commit to working through our marriage enrichment course, Building a Safe and Strong Marriage, together? You will learn how to build ‘little things every day’ into your marriage, which will be good for your relationship, your children, and your church and wider community. Throughout January 2025, we are offering $10 off the online course or voucher (if you want to gift this course to someone you know). No special code needed, just add the online course or voucher to your cart and the discount will be applied! Click here to buy now.
Originally written for parents and published on Growing Faith.
This is the first of three articles on marriage. Coming soon are:
[2] L Feldman Barrett, Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain, p. 93.
[3] In their book, The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (Simon & Schuster, 2023).
[4] See J Gottman & N Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, pp 277ff.
Sarah and Rev. Dr. Keith Condie give us nine tips for nourishing a healthy marriage.
Keith and Sarah Condie share relevant research about relationships and offer some small habits that anyone can do to help their marriage thrive. This is the first post in a three part series.
Amy Yeung shares about the comfort we can find in the midst of a busy and sometimes difficult Christmas season.
Lyn Worsley, founder of the Resilience Centre, joined us for a spotlight session on depression. What it is, how to treat it, and how to support someone living with it.
