This article addresses some of the questions and concerns surrounding Christian discussion of forgiveness. It seeks to highlight the complex factors at play, especially in situations where abuse or other significant harm has occurred. It suggests that wise pastoral counsel will be willing to explore the nuances of individual circumstances rather than hastily urging the aggrieved to forgive.
We must never downplay the importance of forgiveness. Imagine a world with no forgiveness; where there’s no way back from a mistake we’ve made or the grievances and hurts we’ve caused. Where failings are final and fractured relationships are beyond repair.
Perhaps that sort of world is not that hard to imagine. In recent years, words have entered our language to describe new forms of judgmentalism. Callout culture brings public shaming to those who commit ‘wrongs.’ Cancel culture is even more severe; for some, reputations and careers never recover. Grace is an absent, or at least rare, commodity in these contexts. More common are reservoirs of anger, bitterness, regret, guilt, and shame. Forgiveness, therefore, is a necessity if we less-than-perfect people are to keep the bonds between us strong and healthy.
So, too, with our relationship with God. Forgiveness lies at the very heart of the Christian gospel. In Jesus, our sin is cleansed, washed, wiped away, blotted out, thrown into the depths of the sea. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). As the saying goes, ‘We messed up, God mops up.’ This is good news indeed. In the words of King David, ‘Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered’ (Psalm 32:1).
Forgiveness, however, is complex. Numerous factors are at play in contexts where relational harm has occurred and finding the way forward is rarely simple. This complexity is not always acknowledged in the Christian community, and sometimes forgiveness is portrayed and taught in ways that mislead and lack biblical warrant or psychological depth. And because the way we manage the ups and downs of interpersonal relationships has such a bearing upon our wellbeing, missteps in how forgiveness is understood and spoken of are of consequence. At times it’s appropriate to ignore and forbear with minor offences (Proverbs 19:11; Ephesians 4:2; Colossians 3:13a). But not all sins are equal. Some wrongdoing is of such import that hasty calls to forgive are inappropriate. The church, for example, has often responded poorly to situations where abuse has taken place. The rhetoric goes something like, ‘We’re all sinners; we all make mistakes; we should forgive and move on.’ And in the process great evil is overlooked or downplayed and lives are severely damaged.
Let’s consider some of these misunderstandings.
The phrase, ‘Forgive and forget,’ captures the difficulty here. Can a significant offence and its consequences be immediately and fully set aside? The biblical concept of forgiveness does imply that the fault is no longer accounted to the offender. But important psychological realities, and the imperfection that still marks our redeemed state, suggest that reaching this point is sometimes complicated and can take some time.
God has created us as embodied beings. Our experiences and emotional states are always accompanied by physiological and other bodily impacts. This will be true when we are wronged, when we forgive, when we are struggling to forgive, or a host of other circumstances. One feature of embodied experience is that our physiological, emotional, behavioural and other responses tend to persist and are often not easily shifted.
Consider our memories. Our memories are an essential feature of our humanness and psychological makeup. Those subjected to deep hurts from others cannot simply erase their experience and its impact from their minds. Nor should they. Safety requires us to remember damage from the past and be alert to potential harm. And our personal history, including our awareness of the absence or presence of God along difficult pathways, are critical elements in forming the narrative of our lives that shape our identity and sense of meaning. Some might claim that God forgets our sin (‘I will remember their sin no more’ Jeremiah 31:34), with the implication any sense of aggrievement we bear when wronged should instantaneously dissipate when we grant forgiveness. But this is metaphorical language to highlight the extent of God’s mercy in dealing with our rebellion.
Forgiveness, then, is often an ongoing process, an orientation to move in the direction of forgiveness, but marked by fits and starts and emotional ups and downs along the way. Wise pastoral support recognises this truth, walking patiently alongside those carrying deep hurts without pushing them to forgive before they are ready.
There is no doubt that withholding forgiveness can breed feelings of resentment and cause harm to self. Someone has said, ‘Unforgiveness is like drinking poison hoping someone else will die’. Research has demonstrated the health benefits for those who forgive, and these are often cited as the primary motivation. But from the Bible’s perspective, the key focus of the act of forgiveness is not inner healing but relational restoration. Similarly, with the oft-made summons to ‘forgive yourself’. Yes, there is a place for self-compassion, and God’s loving welcome of us in Christ gives shape to the way we perceive ourselves and counters unhealthy self-criticism. But, once again, the concept of self-forgiveness is absent from Scripture.
Forgiveness always bears a cost. When wrong is done, it creates something like a debt between two people. Justice demands the debt be paid and that means that at least one party will experience some level of pain. For example, to forgive someone who has spoken falsely and damaged your reputation means you won’t pay back in kind or hold this offense against them. Instead, you absorb the hurt and may have to incur the cost of reputational harm.
We must not presume that this is easy and straightforward. To set aside deep-seated, ongoing hurt is emotionally fraught. And our sense of justice can leave us with a jarring feeling even when faced with minor offences. The truth is, no one ‘just forgives’. Some cost, emotional or otherwise, is always exacted. Think of the atonement: forgiveness with God comes at the cost of the death of the beloved Son.
As noted above, relational harm usually entails strong emotional responses. We need to acknowledge that there is a difference between not holding an offence against someone and not feeling the impact of that offence. Even when forgiveness is truly granted, the one offended against may carry scars from that experience for years, even a lifetime.
It’s also possible for ongoing emotional distress to lead someone to believe that they have not truly forgiven an offender. Our culture tends to fuse feelings with identity—‘If I really had forgiven him, I would no longer be feeling upset or angry.’ In such circumstances, wise counsel will suggest that it often takes some time for feelings to align with a genuine decision of the will to forgive.
Even if genuine repentance has taken place, full reconciliation may not be possible due to the legacy of emotional damage carried by the one who has been wronged. Furthermore, it can be very difficult to assess the legitimacy of an offender’s claim to have repented. In contexts where abuse has taken place, for example, a return to a previous state of affairs might open the door to the possibility of further harm.
Too often the initial pastoral response to a victim of abuse has been, ‘Have you forgiven him?’ Although the requirement to forgive is stitched into the fabric of an authentic life of faith (see e.g. Mat 6:14-15; 18:21-35), other essential biblical principles must not be sacrificed in the process.
Let’s consider two in particular.
Forgiveness from God is a gift. No action on our part contributes to the lifting of the punishment for our sin that enables us to stand holy and righteous before him. It is only through Christ dying in our place that we are forgiven. But the granting of that forgiveness is not automatic or universal. To receive God’s gracious offer of forgiveness in Christ requires repentance and faith.
What is repentance? It’s a change of direction—turning away from sin and turning toward God. Note the way that Jesus began his earthly ministry, announcing that the kingdom of God was at hand, with the call to ‘repent and believe in the gospel’ (Mark 1:15; cf. Acts 2:38). It’s this movement towards the merciful God, accompanied by a turning from our wrongdoing, that brings the reality of a forgiven state.3
In essence, the same principle applies in our relationships with one another. Whilst our calling is to graciously offer forgiveness without conditions, the granting and receiving of forgiveness requires the repentance of the offender. As Jesus said, ‘If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him’ (Luke 17:3). The word ‘repent’ is not used in the parallel passage in Matthew 18:15-20, but when it speaks of a brother listening to you, it is repentance that is in view.
Some challenge this understanding by referencing Jesus’ prayer asking for forgiveness of those crucifying him (Luke 23:34), and Stephen’s prayer that the sin of those taking his life not be held against them (Acts 7:60). But these prayers are acknowledging the essential Christian attitude of grace and mercy toward others, not the actual bestowal of forgiveness.
This link between repentance and forgiveness is not absolute. There are situations where repentance is not possible, e.g., when the offender has died. Although it might be a slow and painful process, in such contexts God can bring a transformation of heart to enable the offence to be laid to rest. Moreover, there are times when it will be difficult to assess whether repentance is genuine. In these circumstances, those who have been wronged are not to hold back with a stance of, ‘You must prove that you really mean it.’ Rather, the appropriate attitude is a heart-felt willingness to go on forgiving seventy-seven times (Matthew 18:21-35). Similarly, it would be perverse to suggest that unrepentant offenders inevitably hold all the emotional and relational power over those they have wronged. Those who have been sinned against retain their agency and can make choices about what they are prepared or not prepared to set aside. Nevertheless, despite these (and other) circumstances, the Bible normally upholds the nexus between repentance and forgiveness.4
Why is the connection between repentance and forgiveness significant? Because justice matters. Justice demands we acknowledge wrong for what it really is, not pretend that it’s of no account. When someone who has sinned against another repents, it implies that they recognise this truth and how wrong it would be to continue in that offence. Moreover, our anger and longing for revenge when wronged is also a reflection of this important truth. Those made in God’s image are precious. We must stand against the harm that has been caused and the loss of something good.5 Rushing to forgive without this acknowledgement flies in the face of God’s hatred of all that runs counter to his good purposes for his creation. As ethicist Andrew Cameron states, ‘We violate victims a second time if we suggest that forgiveness entails acting as if nothing really happened.’6
Breaking the link between repentance and forgiveness may also be a disservice to the offender. Offering quick and cheap forgiveness can hinder offenders from facing the impact and consequences of their actions. It’s when we are forced to face our sin that we can see God’s holiness more clearly and grasp the depths of the grace he offers us. Being held to account can be a means to spiritual development.7
In thinking about forgiveness, therefore, we must also bear in mind God’s heart for justice. Simply put, we are not to take wrong lightly, because the God of the universe doesn’t. And for those impacted by unrepentant offenders or other forms of human injustice, God does not ignore their cries (Psalm 9:12). One day all such wrongdoing will be called to account (Romans 12:19).
Some of the misunderstandings outlined above touch upon this, especially the fifth, but also the first and the fourth. As previously noted, being sinned against often leaves significant emotional scars. Contact with the perpetrator, or being exposed to situations associated with the harm they experienced, can hijack a nervous system that is already highly attuned to potential threat. And often these relational offences are marked by significant power imbalance, the one harmed being the more vulnerable party. So, even when there is certainty that an offender has truly repented, any ongoing relationship must be shaped by a concern to avoid any further damage to wellbeing. Some relational boundaries, therefore, may be necessary.
This does not undermine the principle that forgiveness involves the setting aside of the offence. Rather, it’s a recognition that seeking physical, emotional, and spiritual safety is also critically important. In general, the Scriptures affirm the appropriateness of avoiding situations of potential harm. There is no encouragement to put up with wrongdoing and injustice when it can be avoided.
Christians are not well-served when they hear slick exhortations to grant forgiveness without any recognition of the complex spiritual, emotional and relational realities that may be at play. Wise pastoral support does not wield blunt instruments. It’s sensitive to the nuances of individual circumstances, so that those deeply impacted by the sin of others can gently be guided in the life-giving ways of God.
Yes, those reconciled to God are disposed to be people of bountiful forgiveness (Matthew 18:21-35). But never to the exclusion of matters of justice and safety that also lie close to God’s heart.
Dan B. Allender & Tremper Longman III, Bold Love
Chris Brauns, Unpacking Forgiveness: Biblical answers for complex questions and deep wounds
Andrew J. B. Cameron, Joined-up Life: A Christian account of how ethics works, chap. 29
Matt Ferguson, ‘Should we forgive apart from repentance: what Jesus expects of the wronged’ https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/should-we-forgive-apart-from-repentance?utm_source=feedblitz&utm_medium=FeedBlitzEmail&utm_campaign=Daily_2026-02-05_04:30&utm_content=5575
Timothy Keller, Forgive
J. Marsden, Forgiveness
Amy Orr-Ewing, Forgiveness: Reclaiming Its Power in a Culture of Outrage and Fear
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